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I exercise regularly – have for many years. I like going to the gym, and feel great after a workout. I like the conversation I have with the other regulars – "Hey." or "Bulking up a bit?" or perhaps"Have you finished with that three year old sweaty, coverless sewerage management magazine?"

But ... .if you use a gym regularly I’m sure you’ve encountered another exerciser who just bugsthe hell out of you. Luckily, these animals are cross cultural. It doesn’t matter where you are they’re all the same, and below is a quick description of the most common varieties so that you’ll be able to steer clear of them!!

Smash Rattle & Bang: This guy (I haven’t encountered the female of this variety yet) likes to smash his dumbbells together in between each rep, and is so exhausted at the end of his set that he simply can’t hold the dumbbells for another millisecond and must drop them (invariably from a great height), making such a noise that only those on the other side of the city didn’t hear him. Yes, yes bud, we all know how macho you are …

I Own the Gym: It’s 6.00pm, the gym is crowded. There’s a guy on the Pec Fly, so I head to the Bench Press. As usual, it’s loaded with every plate the club owns (ever noticed huge guys never return their weights after use? What are all those muscles for anyway?). OK, I’ll warm up with abs first, but there’s a towel on the bench. I remove the stinky, sweaty towel (just love holding other people’s bodily fluids), and Pec Fly guy flies over shouting "That’s mine!" As he starts on the ab bench, I decide to do some guy’s house keeping, and remove the plates from the bench press. Before I have time to recover from the clearing, Fly Guy jumps past me saying "Last one – I’m super setting." Thanks bud. Sorry for paying my dues.

Rain Man: I don’t do cardio work as much as I should. On those rare occasions when I am motivated enough to cycle for 20 minutes (this always seems to happen right about the time the 10 songs I hate most play one after the other over the stereo), why is it that the only machine left to use is the one I have to swim through the last guy’s sweat to get to? My gym doesn’t have wall paper – it is covered in signs asking members to wipe machines after use. Rain man is too busy clearing his nostrils all over the display at the end of his workout to read them. Detol please.

Motor Mouth: Always with her ‘training’ partner. Even worse than the guy who "owns" the gym, because not only can’t I get onto either of the two pieces, she and her partner aren’t even exercising. After waiting patiently (OK I have a displeased look on my face, standing right next to them – no effect), for five minutes, I inquire if I might get a set in. Whoa, that was a mistake, I hadn’t heard of the old 25 minutes between .5lb sets before.

Mirror Man: Gives me a giggle. Color coordinated (although seems to have trouble knowing his correct size - that or he’s borrowing his little brother’s workout gear), enough accessories to open his own pro shop. His typical set goes like this: Look in the mirror, move to machine. Look in mirror from other angle, sit on machine. Check mirror for changes, take hold of handles. Check mirror, take breath, adjust hands and but, final mirror check, lift. Finish set, look in mirror from all angles. What does he forget what he looks like?

Karaoke Queen: Not only does she need music while she works out. She also needs everyone in the gym to know she remembers the songs of the ‘70’s. Always oblivious to the fact no-one else wants to hear her off key warbling. (Sub species include the hummer and mutterer).

Have you encountered some other species? Let me know.